Less complicated – but just as ridiculous – as it sounds. Kind of like a
mutant Welsh rarebit, it’s perfect served with beer. Obviously.

Based on What Should I Eat For Breakfast’s recipe.

Gather:
1/4 + 1/3 cups beer
4 tbs butter

2 + 1/2 + 1/3 cups plain flour
2 tbs sugar
1 sachet (2 + 1/4 tsp) instant yeast
1 tsp salt
2 large eggs

3 tbs butter, melted
1 tbs Dijon mustard*
1 + 1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
Dash of sriracha**

1 + 1/2 cups shredded/grated cheddar
1 tsp mustard powder
1 tsp smoked paprika
1/2 tsp salt
Lots of black pepper

Then:

1. Melt the 4tbs butter with 1/4 cup beer in a small saucepan. Remove from the heat and add the remaining 1/3 cup beer, then set aside til just warm. (You want it warm enough to activate the yeast. Warmer than luke, but not hot.)
   …
2. While that’s cooling, in a large mixing bowl, sift in 2 cups flour, then add the 2 tbs sugar, yeast and salt.
3. Add the cooled (but still warm) butter/beer mixture and mix with your hands until combined. (You could use a stand mixer with a dough hook here, but there’s really no need***.)
4. Add the eggs one by one, mixing by hand til combined.
5. Add the remaining flour, then knead for about 4 minutes. (Ditto re: stand mixer/dough hook.)
6. Gather the dough together in a single ball, then lightly coat the inside of the mixing bowl with olive oil. Roll the dough ball around in the bowl to lightly cover it in oil too.
7. Cover the bowl with cling wrap (leaving one edge open so it can breathe), cover that with a teatowel, then leave in a warm place out of the sun for about an hour (the dough should double in size).
   …
8. Melt the other 3 tbs butter and combine, in a medium bowl, with the mustard, Worcestershire sauce, sriracha, mustard powder, paprika and salt.
9. Add the cheese and mix until you have a lumpy paste-like mixture.
   …
10. Preheat the oven to 175° C, and butter a large loaf tin.
    …
11. On a floured benchtop with a floured rolling pin, roll out the dough into a rectangle about 50 cm (across) by 26 cm, and a bit less than 1cm thick.
12. Cut the dough into 5 equal horizontal strips, and sprinkle each strip with the cheese mixture, pressing the mixture as close to the edges as possible.
13. Layer the strips one on top of each other, non-cheesy side down, then cut the stack into sections a bit narrower than the width of the loaf tin.
14. Holding the loaf tin vertical, stack the sections into the tin (like a tower). Make sure you start and finish with the non-cheesy side facing out (to avoid any cheese-to-tin adhesion). It doesn’t matter if it’s a bit of a loose fit: the dough will rise a bit more before baking, and again in the oven.
15. Cover in cling wrap and a teatowel as before, and leave to rise again for another 30–40 minutes.
    …
16. The oven will be nice and hot now. Bake for about 25–35 minutes. If you can see it’s getting very brown on top but still gluggy in the bottom, reduce the heat to about 150° C.
17. Serve with beer and extra sriracha (if that’s your thing).

Notes:
This probably keeps well in a sealed container and reheats marvellously in the oven or microwave, but when Fury and I made a loaf it only lasted about half an hour between seven people.

*You can use Hot English mustard if you’re keen as, or American-style mustard if you’re not.
**You could use any hot sauce here. Chipotle Tabasco would be INCREDIBLE.
***Not ‘no knead’. There IS some kneading.